I’ve just got off the phone with Mr Bodycrimes. He’s working in Switzerland at the moment, but tonight he had to cut the nightly conversation short so he can run off and teach a cooking class. Right about now, he’ll be standing in the kitchen of a guy who’s recently moved to the region. They’ll be able to see the sun setting on the Alps. There are, apparently, going to be four guys in the kitchen tonight, all seeking instruction.
These are cashed-up men in their late 20s to 30, all single, all buff, all professionals, all multi-lingual. And every last man of them has recently participated for the first time in an important Mittel Europa ritual: the sauna. Here, after you’ve been to the pool or the gym, you strip off and go to the sauna. Men and women.
It’s rude to stare. But you can’t help it.
Anyway, so these lonely young chaps have recently discovered the gorgeous Swiss maidens therein and now they’re hot to trot. Over a drink in the bar last night, one asked Mr Bodycrimes for advice on how to land one of these lovelies, and he received the Bodycrimes family wisdom, which has served several generations of men well: If you want to impress a girl, cook for her in her own kitchen and clean up as you go. She’ll be yours.
This, indeed, is why we are together now. He came round and cooked me a roast dinner, with all the trimmings plus wine, and then he cleaned up. And he brought all the ingredients with him.
Now, here’s the thing. Apparently my unnatural feminist loins betrayed me, because everything about this scenario is wrong and our relationship is doomed. Men who go round being chivalrous and cooking are Gammas. Or Deltas. Or Ypsilons. Or whatever the Manosphere jargon is for non-top-dogs. And Ypsilons don’t pull. And they certainly don’t have hot sex.
Because what REAL women actually need is to be the semen repository of a dominant man who spanks her.
It says so, on Sunshine Mary’s (SSM’s) blog:
I came to the realization about two years ago that the more dominate my husband behaved toward me, the more I was interested in having sex with him.
I’ve been laid up in bed for the last two days, sick with a fever. As Mr Bodycrimes is away, all I’ve had to keep me company is t’Internet, daytime telly not really being my thing. I’ve had t’Internet tuned to a number of sites, Sunshine’s being one of them. Today she wrote a very disappointing post in reply to Amanda Marcotte. I won’t go into it, because neither Ms Marcotte’s original article nor SSM’s off-topic reply were particularly enlightening or entertaining.
I felt a bit let down by how badly thought out SSM’s blog post was, to be honest.
But then the comments started rolling in! I laughed so hard over one comment I nearly ruptured my poor sick abdomen.
First cab off the rank is from SSM herself:
Sluts want to be semen toilets for lots of men; married women want to be semen toilets for one man, or at least light-heartedly treated that way in the bedroom.
Got that? You’re a semen toilet (NB: the term ‘semen toilet’ was originally Marcotte’s.)
So the big question is: whose semen toilet do you want to be? The semen repository of an alpha, or a loser? One way gets you hot sex, the other gets you vanilla sex and certain spinsterhood. The choice is yours, ladies!
This is what the Wise Old Fat Bald Guy of the Manosphere, Deti, has to say on the subject:
Contrast this with the chaste woman who marries a man she’s sexually attracted to. Within the safe confines of the marriage, she will act like the “semen toilet” Marcotte describes. But instead of it being vulgar and distasteful, it is holy and a thing of beauty. She is her husband’s courtesan. This wife is so hot for her husband she wants his dick any way she can get it. She wants him to penetrate her and ejaculate inside her so badly she can hardly stand it. She will do pretty much what he wants, when he wants and where, and she’ll absolutely love every minute of it.
Earl, who’s a bit of a grump, points out that sluts don’t actually get to collect on semen:
I would argue most players probably use some form of contraceptive or go old style Onan…so the slutty women aren’t really semen toilets but instead are more cock collectors.
[ssm: Oh ho, that's right! They don't even get his semen, silly girls. How exactly is life better post-feminism?]
Good point there, SSM. If you don’t get the semen, it’s all been a pointless waste of leg opening.
So how do you get to become the Holy and Beautiful Semen Catcher of a hot Sperm Man like Deti?
Submit! Submit to the dominant male in all things!
The Greatshebang suggests the Sound of Music approach:
What is kind of dumb is that a woman who crassly wanted to get married and be “taken care of” could make a man the following offer:
Every day at 5:30 I will clap my hands and say “children, line up your father is coming home.” And all be beaming in a row when you walk in.
Even Alphas marry and this would do the trick.
If you don’t have small children dressed in curtains available to line up, then simply verbally acknowledge that your man is your Lord and Master. Just jump and make him SAMMICHES goddamit it, whenever he wants them. (They worry about sammiches a lot in the manosphere.)
Do you see where I’m going with this, ladies? You want semen. But there’s a right way, and a wrong way to be a semen toilet. The right way is to submit to the virgins and divorcees and unemployed men who haunt the Manosphere (I know they’re unemployed, because I’ve been watching the comments roll in and they’re timed to when Starbucks is open and offering free wifi in the USA).
The wrong way is to believe for one minute that a Mangina who would willingly cook for you is capable of indulging you in the hot, semeny sex that you crave.
So, ladies, make your choice! Would you rather be a wise virgin inside the warm circle of the Manosphere?
Or would you rather be with the foolish virgins out in the cold of the Swiss Alps, with the Manginas preparing you dinner?
Think wisely! You don’t want to end up a wizened old Elder Slut with only cats for company!